Sacred Waste...

Listening to Rob Bell's 4/25 message. He talked on the pouring out of water that David did when the mighty men went to get him water in the cave.

He talked about how David seemed to be longing for the days when getting water at the gate was something he could simply do. His men thought he was thirsty now, and went to get him water. David took the water and gave it up as a sacrifice before the Lord for the efforts that the men put into getting it...

The core of the message seems to be that we often do things for the purpose we see in why we are doing them.

His words spoke directly to me, when he talked about the 20 plus year marriage that ends in divorce, the child that goes off in a bad direction, the wasted effort on the job... These are all things that I have been struggling with for a few years now.

The marriage that I poured 25 yrs of my life into. Loving the woman I was married to, and giving all that I had to be the best provider. And raising a son in a loving way in this loving home. Then she decided she didn't love me, and wanted nothing more than the money I earn. The son who had been playing and joking with me one week, and has not spoken a kind word to me since then.

These things have been eating at me. I wondered when God was going to step in and change things and He didn't. I had expectations of spouse, child, God that were not met. I wanted and expected acknowledgment for what I had done and what I was bearing. And the honest truth is that I was wrong.

Just this morning I was thinking of crafting an email to my son. I think he graduates soon. When he leaves the school, I will loose the last thread of contact to him. I will no longer be able to send him any messages. I wanted him to know that. I wanted him to know how much it hurts to have lost him in this way.

Would I have loved my son or my ex-wife less if I had known what they were going to do to me. No. I put myself out there all the time with people. I treat them the way that I want to be treated, and I refuse to be cynical about the way that people act... well I don't like being cynical... the honest truth on this is that I have been since August 28th 2008. I now expect that people will hurt me, and I don't let them get very close. God included. I pretend to let some people close. And with one person in particular I have been trying very hard to beat down the walls when I feel them creeping up, but it is a hard struggle and some days I know the struggle shows.

The lesson I take from this message today is that I have to let go of the wasted years and efforts. I have to "pour" them out before God and leave them on the ground as a sacrifice to Him. I loved her. I loved him. I loved the work that I did. Those were God honoring things to have done. they are gone now. Soaked into the soil and gone. I can become bitter about the waste and ruin what's left of the time that God has me on this earth. Or, I can be the person that God designed me to be, and now that He is LORD of my life I can be even better person to the world.

I will save this message, and listen to it more times. This is not an easy thing, but God is a powerful God and with His help I can do this. I can acknowledge that my past is my past, and that it was sacrifice to God, and let Him do with my efforts there what He will. I hope that my son and my ex-wife can find real happiness, and I hope that they find salvation too.

Thanks for listening empty space.
--me

A life without purpose...

I've recently come to the conclusion that one can be working through being a Christian and live a life that has no real purpose... the Exodus involved over 600k men and only a handful are talked about as having a real purpose.. the rest were just people.

I was thinking about the passage "how can one, by worry, add a moment to their life..." and thinking Why on earth would I want to add a moment to this life?!?!?! I want out as soon as I can. Heaven to me will be someplace that I finally have purpose, and no more heartache...

Maybe there is a purpose and I'm just not there right now. OK.. I'll change. But WHAT? How do I find this supposed purpose. My job is to work to provide for Frances. To do that I have to also provide for me, or I would simply crumble into a babbling idiot living under a bridge with my worldly possessions, that I picked from garbage cans, in the shopping cart that I don't let out of my sight.. or worse. I don't look forward to the future or retirement at this point. I simply hope that I get cancer soon so I can be done and gone...

I know this is a very poor attitude. I pray each day for change of my heart. But it just sinks a little more into hopelessness each day. I smile some to please others, but not when I'm alone. Then I hurt, I sigh, I'm on the verge of collapse, but that would only make matters worse, so I go on. I go to work, I do my job, I go home, I spend time with my spouse. I live this duplicitous life that is ripping me apart inside, and all I can do is hope that it ends because God has finally given up and is willing to let me die.

Suicide is not an option. oh but it would be so easy... When God is done with me I will die. For me to force that issue is me putting myself above God. It would make me happy to discover that I'm wrong, that God has some purpose for me still being here, and that I can do something that makes starting each day something full of joy rather than dread.

for now... on I go. One step at a time...