Sacred Waste...

Listening to Rob Bell's 4/25 message. He talked on the pouring out of water that David did when the mighty men went to get him water in the cave.

He talked about how David seemed to be longing for the days when getting water at the gate was something he could simply do. His men thought he was thirsty now, and went to get him water. David took the water and gave it up as a sacrifice before the Lord for the efforts that the men put into getting it...

The core of the message seems to be that we often do things for the purpose we see in why we are doing them.

His words spoke directly to me, when he talked about the 20 plus year marriage that ends in divorce, the child that goes off in a bad direction, the wasted effort on the job... These are all things that I have been struggling with for a few years now.

The marriage that I poured 25 yrs of my life into. Loving the woman I was married to, and giving all that I had to be the best provider. And raising a son in a loving way in this loving home. Then she decided she didn't love me, and wanted nothing more than the money I earn. The son who had been playing and joking with me one week, and has not spoken a kind word to me since then.

These things have been eating at me. I wondered when God was going to step in and change things and He didn't. I had expectations of spouse, child, God that were not met. I wanted and expected acknowledgment for what I had done and what I was bearing. And the honest truth is that I was wrong.

Just this morning I was thinking of crafting an email to my son. I think he graduates soon. When he leaves the school, I will loose the last thread of contact to him. I will no longer be able to send him any messages. I wanted him to know that. I wanted him to know how much it hurts to have lost him in this way.

Would I have loved my son or my ex-wife less if I had known what they were going to do to me. No. I put myself out there all the time with people. I treat them the way that I want to be treated, and I refuse to be cynical about the way that people act... well I don't like being cynical... the honest truth on this is that I have been since August 28th 2008. I now expect that people will hurt me, and I don't let them get very close. God included. I pretend to let some people close. And with one person in particular I have been trying very hard to beat down the walls when I feel them creeping up, but it is a hard struggle and some days I know the struggle shows.

The lesson I take from this message today is that I have to let go of the wasted years and efforts. I have to "pour" them out before God and leave them on the ground as a sacrifice to Him. I loved her. I loved him. I loved the work that I did. Those were God honoring things to have done. they are gone now. Soaked into the soil and gone. I can become bitter about the waste and ruin what's left of the time that God has me on this earth. Or, I can be the person that God designed me to be, and now that He is LORD of my life I can be even better person to the world.

I will save this message, and listen to it more times. This is not an easy thing, but God is a powerful God and with His help I can do this. I can acknowledge that my past is my past, and that it was sacrifice to God, and let Him do with my efforts there what He will. I hope that my son and my ex-wife can find real happiness, and I hope that they find salvation too.

Thanks for listening empty space.
--me

A life without purpose...

I've recently come to the conclusion that one can be working through being a Christian and live a life that has no real purpose... the Exodus involved over 600k men and only a handful are talked about as having a real purpose.. the rest were just people.

I was thinking about the passage "how can one, by worry, add a moment to their life..." and thinking Why on earth would I want to add a moment to this life?!?!?! I want out as soon as I can. Heaven to me will be someplace that I finally have purpose, and no more heartache...

Maybe there is a purpose and I'm just not there right now. OK.. I'll change. But WHAT? How do I find this supposed purpose. My job is to work to provide for Frances. To do that I have to also provide for me, or I would simply crumble into a babbling idiot living under a bridge with my worldly possessions, that I picked from garbage cans, in the shopping cart that I don't let out of my sight.. or worse. I don't look forward to the future or retirement at this point. I simply hope that I get cancer soon so I can be done and gone...

I know this is a very poor attitude. I pray each day for change of my heart. But it just sinks a little more into hopelessness each day. I smile some to please others, but not when I'm alone. Then I hurt, I sigh, I'm on the verge of collapse, but that would only make matters worse, so I go on. I go to work, I do my job, I go home, I spend time with my spouse. I live this duplicitous life that is ripping me apart inside, and all I can do is hope that it ends because God has finally given up and is willing to let me die.

Suicide is not an option. oh but it would be so easy... When God is done with me I will die. For me to force that issue is me putting myself above God. It would make me happy to discover that I'm wrong, that God has some purpose for me still being here, and that I can do something that makes starting each day something full of joy rather than dread.

for now... on I go. One step at a time...

Not a good day...

I need to vent... I need to feel... I need to be useful... not a good day.

Some days like this one are so very dark that I just see no purpose in being here at all.

I'm listening to Allen Keyes as I type this.... I just don't feel the things that his songs talk about. Each day, I would like to be closer to God, but each day feels further away.

Being bound to Frances is killing me. My life is full of many more moments I regret than moments I don't. I have albums full of pictures I no longer want, and memories I want erased. If it was real, then why did she throw me away... if it was fake, what I fool I was for all those years.

Why do I have to go on, when others get to be released... Can't I just be freed from this life sentence?

regret and pain... this must be the life of someone behind bars for a life sentence with no possibility of parole..

not a good day today....
--me

I'm so tired of loss...

I just wanted to whine a bit... I am very tired of the loss and change. I know this is part of life, and the way that God designed things. I know that if I'm called by God then these things will be a good thing in the end but I'm tired of it...

sense of security at home... son.. dad.. life savings... freedom... mother... friends... sense of purpose... these are the things that I have lost....

I have gained friends and a loving new spouse in these times also... So In the net I am doing ok.

--me

Well... I'm going to stay for now...

I have not been here in some time. Last time was the day that I felt like bagging it all, and leaving. I tried, I really looked into it. But the thing I realized as I was looking into going was that I am where God wants me to be, and leaving would mean walking away from the mission God has given me right now.

At that point I realized that I was trying to control the processes of the dissolution of my marriage. I was trying to control what other people and the courts did. I thought God had abandoned that part of my life, and that I could do a better job by forcing others to take responsibility for themselves by abandoning them. When I came to the point of wanting to run away, God made it clear that He is in control of all that stuff too.

So I took control of the one thing that I actually have control of... my willingness to give over control to God. I thought about Adam and Eve... they had it good. God was in control. But when they let Satan convince them that they could take control, they tried... and we now live in the resulting world...

ok... I have my sister and niece here, and I'm being rude.. so bye bye...
()me

Maybe I'm supposed to go...

I reached the end of myself today. I've been here before, but it was different this time than in the past. In the last few years when I have gotten to this place I have thought very seriously about quitting the human race. Today I was writing out the list of things that need to be closed out, done, and cleaned up to be gone. I was thinking I would go as far as what was left when all was said and done would carry me, then starting over with nothing at that place. Live simple, take as little income as I could, maybe live in shelters... the point being I am tired of being in the rat race for the purpose of serving the system, other people, and the stuff that I have collected... I want to be rid of all the hangers on and stuff that takes me away from wanting to do everything for the God, that seems to want me here... When I got to the end of the list and realized how simple it will be, how it can be done so quickly... I began to think maybe there is someplace in the world that God can use me... that I can live the simple way I was thinking of, and make a difference in His kingdom at the same time. I have strength... I have built... I know something about technology... I like to serve... maybe I can go someplace in the world and be useful for more than the money I make... I know the courts won't agree, so I am not sure what will happen as I move forward with this, but I don't have enough of anything left to care what they take... We'll see what the next few weeks brings. We'll see if God wants me to serve Him in some other part of the world... I would hope that I would not feel like a slave in the place that God wants to use me... right now I feel like a slave and I am tired...

iTunes: Your not guilty anymore

-me

Rest... or the lack there of...

I was sitting here thinking about the fact that I don't dream anymore... I looked on line about this, and apparently I do dream I'm just not remembering them.  I don't know... If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one to hear it does it still make a noise... I say no.  The air still moves, but if there is nothing to process the movement of the air there is no noise... So my brain may or may not be doing something other than keeping me alive.  I may or may not be having R.E.M. episodes... But I don't have dreams right now.

The looking on line says: I'm not getting enough sleep, or I'm stressed, or I'm afraid of what I might be dreaming, or I'm just not designed to remember dreams.

I know it's not the last one.  I can still remember dreams from when I was a kid.  I can still remember that I used to have flying dreams all the time.  I can still remember that I used to have dreams that felt so real, I could have sworn that they were real life events.

Afraid to dream... That's an interesting one.  I was not having nightmares when I stopped dreaming.  I don't know what I might be afraid of, so I have to reach the conclusion that it's not about my fearing the dreams.

Stressed... well, I am stressed.  The thing that I can't seem to figure out, is how to let go of the stress.  I want to let it go.  I'm going to have to work harder on this one, or lack of dreams will not be my only problem...

Not enough sleep... I seem to wake at 5 or 6 each morning, no matter when I go to bed... that means many nights I am getting between 4 and 5 hours of sleep.  This is something I can do something about... I will start going to bed earlier.  Maybe it will help let go of the stress too..

This was all prompted by someone telling about a funny dream they had with me in it.  I miss dreaming...

bye empty space..

-me