A life without purpose...

I've recently come to the conclusion that one can be working through being a Christian and live a life that has no real purpose... the Exodus involved over 600k men and only a handful are talked about as having a real purpose.. the rest were just people.

I was thinking about the passage "how can one, by worry, add a moment to their life..." and thinking Why on earth would I want to add a moment to this life?!?!?! I want out as soon as I can. Heaven to me will be someplace that I finally have purpose, and no more heartache...

Maybe there is a purpose and I'm just not there right now. OK.. I'll change. But WHAT? How do I find this supposed purpose. My job is to work to provide for Frances. To do that I have to also provide for me, or I would simply crumble into a babbling idiot living under a bridge with my worldly possessions, that I picked from garbage cans, in the shopping cart that I don't let out of my sight.. or worse. I don't look forward to the future or retirement at this point. I simply hope that I get cancer soon so I can be done and gone...

I know this is a very poor attitude. I pray each day for change of my heart. But it just sinks a little more into hopelessness each day. I smile some to please others, but not when I'm alone. Then I hurt, I sigh, I'm on the verge of collapse, but that would only make matters worse, so I go on. I go to work, I do my job, I go home, I spend time with my spouse. I live this duplicitous life that is ripping me apart inside, and all I can do is hope that it ends because God has finally given up and is willing to let me die.

Suicide is not an option. oh but it would be so easy... When God is done with me I will die. For me to force that issue is me putting myself above God. It would make me happy to discover that I'm wrong, that God has some purpose for me still being here, and that I can do something that makes starting each day something full of joy rather than dread.

for now... on I go. One step at a time...