I spent lots of time thinking today...

I was working away writing code and listening to Rob Bell's sermon from 3/9/08 at Mars Hill... He was talking about something Paul wrote in Philippians. He was struggling with the idea that it would be nice to go (die), but that if he was going to stay, that would be ok too. Rob talked about how disjointed that sentence was in the original Greek, and how it was likely that Paul was really struggling with the circumstances of his life then, but that he knew that he believed that God was out there somewhere, and that Jesus had come to redeem things and save us... [Can you imagine how Paul would have felt without the knowledge of God and His Love... I can... ] Rob went on to give some other examples of how the convictions of a person can keep them grounded in a time where they are really struggling with the circumstances of life and what they are going through... He gave the one that has sustained me in the deepest dark nights... Jesus in the garden the night He was arrested... I have read that so many times these last few years, and known that I was not to the point of sweating drops of blood, but that I understand how that could physically happen... I am well back from that point right now, but I have been where Paul was.

The load right now is heavy... over 3 years since the life I had ended, and I'm still going through court trials... My mom is living with me because dad died last year, and she cannot remember things anymore... To go home would be great, but my circumstances are not like Paul's and that does not seem near. To stay will be joy (at times) and hard, but I'm not here alone... I have friends. I have family. I have my convictions that I know God is there and Jesus has saved me, and these convictions of my soul keep turning me back to look for God on the dark nights when I can't see anything else... I have purpose here, at this time.

I stopped praying for relief a while ago... because I just could not stand the silence... but others have prayed, and God has responded... My sister is going to leave her home and job for a time and come to live with me here to help. I look forward to the help.

I came to a realization about my life this morning in my Qt.. I pray a lot for God to guide me into His will. That I want to be doing what He wants me to be doing. And then I figure because it's not all sunshine and flowers... Joy and happiness... that I must not be in His will... when I think the honest truth is that I am right where He wants me to be at this time.... So rather than beat myself up over what I am not doing, I need to be looking for the joy in what I am doing, because it's there if I just accept it...

Bye empty space...
-me