Coming back around...

Hi Empty Space,
I heard something in a MarsHill message last week... it was an old message from back in April of last year. In it the speaker was talking about spiritual warfare as a very real thing. He was using terms like bombs and fights that painted a war zone picture. But that these things happen on a plain that we just can't see. I don't know, but I do know that there are times that I seem to be getting my feet under me, feeling ok, and then I get them cut out from under me. At times like those it feels like warfare. What I have to do each time is lean closer to God and let Him be in control. It's not always easy to do, but when I am able I feel better much faster.

In my chronological bible for this year the book of Job is early in the book. I have been reading it this week. What I was thinking about today as I read was how Job's friends keep telling him that God "gets" the wicked people of the world, and so what is happening to Job must be the result of wickedness in him. Finally Job points out the error in this statement toward the end of chapter 21. I feel like Job does about people getting smashed by God, that does not often happen to people that care little about God. The thing that I was thinking most about as I read today was how Job's friends could have been comforting him, helping to heal him, taking care of him. Instead, they were tell him all the things that he must have done wrong to get where he is.

I am comforted by fact that I have friends that do comfort and care.

ok... mom is up and stirring about.. so begins another day...
-me

All I want to know is why...

Why is it that every time I start to feel a little better, I get hammered again...

In reality nothing changed... only my perception...

Hi empty Space,
Today I had interactions with friends that have been there for me for over 3 years now.. and you know what... are still there. they still care and I am grateful for them!

When I get in to a dark lonely place, I tend to think I am alone. The truth is that God is there with me, and my friends are just outside the dark place waiting for me.

Today I heard a talk on the miracle of the resurrection of Lazerus. What it and the worship music from the morning did was to reiterate what God had been talking to me about all week in His word. He knows where I am and what I am feeling. I have been honest in saying all week how lost I feel, and He has been saying that He isn't going anyplace, and that He will guide me if I will only let Him. None of this makes the things I have to go through easier, but with help I won't be alone.

For me it means letting go of future thoughts, wants, and worries. I will start to plan again someday, but right now I need to be content in going through the day in which I find myself. I need to turn things over to the God that knows what's better for me than I do. I will be working on it.

ok... I'm going to go do some reading.

G'nite empty space,
-me

What changed.. me or them...

Hi empty space..
I have been feeling very alone and isolated lately. When I first entered this part of my life I was pretty well surrounded by friends, but lately they have mostly moved on... Mostly they have become busy with the things that are important to them. And I'm just not a life of the party type, so I am not in the circle they run in. When I have reached out to some of them, I have found them with no margin left to spend time with me. Then with the house I have no funds to go out, and this place does not look together enough to really be entertaining.

Or is the cause of my being alone that I am not trying, or willing, to seek out people to be with.

After the last two days of interaction with the lawyer about the case that has been going now for 35 months... I am having a very hard time with forgiveness today. It's not that I don't want to, I am just very bruised right now.

I know I make mistakes all the time, and it's one of the reasons that I am alone now. I know I do things that are not what God wants of me, and I think this leads to be having to be alone more.

I'm tired... I think I am going to try sleeping down here tonight, that airmattress is very old already...

-me

Peaceful house... for the moment...

Hi Empty Space...
Today has been quite a day... It started with me forcing Rico to go walking with me.. his fear seems to be irrational even to him... so it has helped some. He is getting better about letting me walk with him, now that he has a harness that he cannot back out of... and I have been able to get close to him, though right now it involves cornering him... so tonight after a bit of a tussle I put him in the cage I have for him (it's big and he has room to move and lay comfortably) and have been able to get the leash on him on my own... a first since he got here, and I took him for two nice walks today... I'm hoping a few more days and we'll be friends... I had to step up my dominance because he got out and ran off yesterday.. Fortunately I was able to call someone that he trusts to come get him back, and he was found in about 30min. But if we can't get to a point where he is comfortable around me, this is going to be a long year for both of us... I'll keep working...

Then there's mom... Today was one of my 2 days per week to spend 4hrs in the office, so mom was home alone... When I got back, I found she went into my library and ate an entire bag of dove chocolates (minus the 6 or so that I had already eaten)... So she was WIRED... I just got her to go lay in bed... It will be interesting to see what her sugar reading is tomorrow... But for me, more than anything, this was a wake up call... I am going to need someone to spend time with her while I work... but... there is a problem... I am having issues with the case against me that make it difficult for me to hire someone to help her... ugh...

But for this moment, Mom is in bed and Rico is resting in his cage... so the house is peaceful... for now...

I am feeling overwhelmed with all of this. I don't know what the next step is... but one foot before the other I will step on... I have not been able to pray much, and that bothers me, it's not that I don't want to talk to God, I just don't know what to say anymore... every time I open my mouth, my life seems to get a little more complicated... and I feel a little more alone... the courts don't care, the lawyers don't care, my ex doesn't care, friends care (but can only do so much), God must care (but I'm struggling with how...) I am confused, and scared, and as I sit here on the couch in a house with a dog that does not like me and a mom that barely knows me, I feel alone... I know that I am where God wants me to be, and that I will get through this...somehow. Someone said to me today, that I am going to come out of this with a wisdom that will help others. That may be true. I don't know. But if it is then maybe all this will be of value to others in the coming years.

Funny... as the baby boomer's age, I don't think that there has been enough thought given to what will happen to those who must care for their parents...

ok... I'm going to go walk Rico again. On our evening walk tonight, he did not (ummm) use the facilities...

-me

If this is my purpose...

If this is my purpose here.. why aren't I enjoying it more....

-me

I need to talk...

Hi Empty Space,
I wanted someone to talk to, and there is no one here but a dog that is scared of me... so I thought I would sit here and write for a while... well... maybe later... I am feeling lonely tonight, but I need to pay the overdue bills I have been ignoring...

talk to you later...
-me

The start of a new year...

Hi Empty Space...
I started the new year alone at home. actually I was having issues with the new washing machine I bought yesterday... I got the washer because I needed to have one before mom moves in on the 12th...

I am going to be pet sitting for a year, along with mom moving in, so this place will seem more like a home that it has since I got here.

My goals for 2008:
1) Read the NLT from end to end... I need to go get the copy tomorrow to get started...

2) Get mom comfortable and happy here in Raleigh. This will be difficult... please pray for this one...

3) Take dance lessons... This one will take a little time to get to because of mom coming here. But by March, you should be reading about me starting dance class.

4) Make progress on learning the piano... I keep getting stuck at the point of starting two handed lessons, but I am determined to make more progress this year...

5) Lose at least 20 pounds... really would like to lose more like 30, but will be happy with 20.

6) I am going to set as a prayer rather than a goal to meet a special woman, and start a new relationship chapter in my life.

7) Take a real vacation alone.

I have two wishes for 2008... To get my son back into my life. To be done with the case that was started against me in 2005...

ok... Happy New Year empty space...
Take care and sleep well,
-me