Control vs Peace

I find that as I watch mom struggle with her condition that the enemy of peace is desire for control. [I wonder how much of what I see in her is the future that awaits me.] I know that in the days that I have felt the most at peace are the days where I accept that I can't control what is going on in the case against me. I can give up and rollover, but that is not having peace, that is not facing the problem. Or I can give up control, and really look to follow where God is leading even when it does not seem to make sense. And the days I am the lowest are the days that I spend thinking about what goes on in court, and what it means to me and my future.

I wonder as I watch mom struggle to control her thoughts, and struggle to control the situations around her, whether I would be able to release control if I were in her place.

As hard as my struggles have been over the last three years, they are nothing compared to the struggle of losing control of your mind.

I pray for her to find peace. And I pray for me to continue to learn to give up control...

--me

rainbows...

God drew a rainbow this evening. There are many people that needed to see that rainbow tonight. Some of them I know, including me. I truly hope that it was a sign that things are going to get better, that the crummy days are coming to an end. I have been thinking about a family that lost someone this week. Before the rainbow I was listening to someone who was talking to the youth group about living for this day. Since I had talked to the empty space here about that, I was paying close attention. He talked about not living in the past, and not living in the future, but living out the day that God gifted us with today.

I had spent the hour previous to the youth group meeting praying. Talking to God about where I feel I am in life. I didn't have a revelation at that moment, but maybe the rainbow was the answer I was looking for...

I love it when God does things like the rainbow... The last one was a day that I felt very low, and it was clearly God's answer that time.

Good night empty space...
()me

Going it alone...

I am thinking about being alone today. What did God mean when He said "it is not good for the man to be alone."? I've always learned it that, the man was not alone, he had a relationship with God where they walked and talked together in the garden. God gave the man things to do, and the man was living a life of purpose. It would seem to say there was something imperfect or missing in the one on one relationship that God and the man had. Or maybe God was not around that much leaving the man to try to manage on his own. Then when I get to the being that God created to be the "help mate" for the man, why a woman? I get confused with this way that God seemed to have intended men and women to be together, when I compare to Paul, in 1Corinthians 7:8, talking about it being better not to be married. What do these two things mean when put together in a life?

Today it was discussed by a married man that the meaning of the not being alone is that we are to be in community with people that we can call on for help. I've tried that, it's not the same as living with a "help mate". You can't count on community for help, because they also have their own lives to lead with their spouses and families... Don't get me wrong, it's not that the people in the community I am in don't want to help, they just can't be counted on, at any time. Maybe the problem is finding the right kind of community that a single person with responsibilities can be in.

I don't know. I am not liking the "alone" part of my life these days. If alone with God was supposed to be enough, why did He change it?

bye empty space...
-me

Live for this day...

I was listening to some Chris Rice today, and I was struck by the realization that I have been "living for the day when.." I have not been looking at this day as the gift that it is. I have been looking to the day when the things with court are all settled... I kept thinking I was almost there, then it moved... Even last summer I thought it was close to the end, then it moved again. I had been looking for that until the day that dad died... Then a whole new set of "living for the day when..." started.

I have to stop living for a day in the future. I have to talk to God about living the way that He wants me to live in this day, right here, right now...

This is going to take some work. I have been living for the day when longer than I can remember. It is really the only way I know how to live...

Good night empty space...
--me

It seems to be falling all apart...

I am struggling these days. I try to do what it right, what is best, what is helpful, what is caring. But I don't understand. I ask for guidance and I pray. But I don't seem to be able to hear, or understand what I am supposed to be doing, and things just feel worse and worse. I am close to quitting, and I shut down a little more each day.

I have a friend that I am sure will ask:"Where's God in all of this?" because it would seem that I am taking things into my own hands once again. And I just don't know. The divorce related court trials rage on. Last week my son was dragged into the middle of it. The judge called it a tragedy for him. To me it was just awful. My mother's condition got an initial diagnosis last week, and the prognosis is uncertain at this time. But it's not good. My brother has decided that he and his wife cannot help. This is making my sister, who gave up all to be here to help, angry. This is impacting me and upsetting me on a number of levels. I want to do what's best for everyone, I agree that my older brother should be doing more, but I don't know how to communicate that effectively... he hung up on me yesterday...

my prayer life is a shambles, I don't know what to say anymore. I don't get an effective quiet time anymore because mom is up and out before I can even get the day to start. Work is not going so hot because my concentration stinks...

The only place I seem to be able to whine anymore is here... and I can't even communicate my thoughts clearly here right now... I think I need to do something different...

--- bye empty space...

Calvery arrives...

Hi Empty Space,
My sister got here yesterday. She will be staying here indefinitely. She will be helping me with things related to mom. She got a major dose of things as soon as she arrived. Mom talked her ear off for an hour strait about going back home. Mom has convinced herself that she would be going home when my sister arrived.

I am glad that my sister is here, but I am concerned about 2 things. First is that I might out of relief for her being here, dump too much off on her.... Second is that she will get burnt out so quick that she will regret being here...

Mom got sick again last night, but at this time, she is not willing to go willingly to the Dr... I think we are going to have to take her anyway. I'm going to try.

I'm very glad to have my sister here. It will be a huge help, just to have someone see what is going on with mom, and be supportive of the things that need to be done...

bye...
-me

When I don't know...

In all the times that I just don't know, I do know that I want to be following Jesus, that I want to be seeking God, that I want to be listening for His voice in the noise in my head, that I want to be on the look out for the little things that He does in my view to reassure me that He has not left me alone in these times that I just don't know. There are times that I just don't know why things are the way they are. I don't know if the day will ever feel light hand happy again. I don't know if I will ever see my son and laugh with him again. I don't know if I will feel like I'm doing anything worth wile again. These last few days I have been really struggling. Many times over the last few years it has been hard to understand why things are as they are. I have struggled with God hating me. I have struggled with God not liking me. Most recently I have been struggling with God just not caring one way or the other.

Maybe a more accurate way to state that is that for the last few days I hoped that God didn't care because then the feeling of His absence would be justified.... I remember David asking in Psalms... "How long"... He asks How long will he be persecuted, How long will God leave his soul in anguish, How long will God hide His face, How long must I wrestle with my thoughts... This last one has been me recently... I wrestle with many thoughts right now...

When the life I had been living fell completely to pieces in 05, I felt as though God was there, and in very real ways carried me through that time. But as that process has dragged on year after year now, I don't know... If I search in one way, I ask... what is the lesson that I am just not getting that keeps me stuck in this quagmire. If I search in another, I ask... What am I being prepared to do? And will I be able to face it? Or will I give up and not be willing to go where God might want to send me? I don't know why the divorce is going the long drawn out way that it is going... I may never know. Or I may already know, and just not like the answer...

Then last year... What do I say about last year... I thought finally the things from the past life would be settled, and I could start looking to what might be coming in the future... Then on my birthday, it all changed again. Not only did things in the divorce not get settled, I ended up with an additional load to deal with... The new old life was over and another life started... This time I had been forced into a position of leading my fathers family. When dad died, part of me went too.... I have really struggled with why did God take Dad and leave Mom here like this... I don't know... But I do know that God had put me in a place that I would be able to help mom, and I'm trying... though, I don't know what to do some days... I don't know what to say to ease her mind... I don't know what to do that would make her happy in her world... And I don't know how to make her happy in my world either...

I do know that I am not praying enough... I need to stop trying to do the right thing on my own power... I keep thinking if I do the right thing then God will be in it, and that's simply not the case. I need to do the hard thing... I need to listen for the voice that I often can't hear. I need to sit quiet, and let God make the way clear. When I have done this in the past few years, things have not gone any better from an over all look at the picture, but I have had peace and known without a doubt that things were as they should be... Right now I don't know that things are as they should be, because I may be in the way.... or not... but If I will seek God I will know one way or the other... and I won't be sitting here anymore going "I don't know..."

When I don't know, it is the alarm... I am not where I should be in my relationship with God. It's not a quick fix either... I have been wandering on and off the path for a few years.. I'd rather be on the path, though I just don't seem too good at staying there yet...

good night empty space... thanks for listening.
()me