When I don't know...

In all the times that I just don't know, I do know that I want to be following Jesus, that I want to be seeking God, that I want to be listening for His voice in the noise in my head, that I want to be on the look out for the little things that He does in my view to reassure me that He has not left me alone in these times that I just don't know. There are times that I just don't know why things are the way they are. I don't know if the day will ever feel light hand happy again. I don't know if I will ever see my son and laugh with him again. I don't know if I will feel like I'm doing anything worth wile again. These last few days I have been really struggling. Many times over the last few years it has been hard to understand why things are as they are. I have struggled with God hating me. I have struggled with God not liking me. Most recently I have been struggling with God just not caring one way or the other.

Maybe a more accurate way to state that is that for the last few days I hoped that God didn't care because then the feeling of His absence would be justified.... I remember David asking in Psalms... "How long"... He asks How long will he be persecuted, How long will God leave his soul in anguish, How long will God hide His face, How long must I wrestle with my thoughts... This last one has been me recently... I wrestle with many thoughts right now...

When the life I had been living fell completely to pieces in 05, I felt as though God was there, and in very real ways carried me through that time. But as that process has dragged on year after year now, I don't know... If I search in one way, I ask... what is the lesson that I am just not getting that keeps me stuck in this quagmire. If I search in another, I ask... What am I being prepared to do? And will I be able to face it? Or will I give up and not be willing to go where God might want to send me? I don't know why the divorce is going the long drawn out way that it is going... I may never know. Or I may already know, and just not like the answer...

Then last year... What do I say about last year... I thought finally the things from the past life would be settled, and I could start looking to what might be coming in the future... Then on my birthday, it all changed again. Not only did things in the divorce not get settled, I ended up with an additional load to deal with... The new old life was over and another life started... This time I had been forced into a position of leading my fathers family. When dad died, part of me went too.... I have really struggled with why did God take Dad and leave Mom here like this... I don't know... But I do know that God had put me in a place that I would be able to help mom, and I'm trying... though, I don't know what to do some days... I don't know what to say to ease her mind... I don't know what to do that would make her happy in her world... And I don't know how to make her happy in my world either...

I do know that I am not praying enough... I need to stop trying to do the right thing on my own power... I keep thinking if I do the right thing then God will be in it, and that's simply not the case. I need to do the hard thing... I need to listen for the voice that I often can't hear. I need to sit quiet, and let God make the way clear. When I have done this in the past few years, things have not gone any better from an over all look at the picture, but I have had peace and known without a doubt that things were as they should be... Right now I don't know that things are as they should be, because I may be in the way.... or not... but If I will seek God I will know one way or the other... and I won't be sitting here anymore going "I don't know..."

When I don't know, it is the alarm... I am not where I should be in my relationship with God. It's not a quick fix either... I have been wandering on and off the path for a few years.. I'd rather be on the path, though I just don't seem too good at staying there yet...

good night empty space... thanks for listening.
()me