Not a good day...

I need to vent... I need to feel... I need to be useful... not a good day.

Some days like this one are so very dark that I just see no purpose in being here at all.

I'm listening to Allen Keyes as I type this.... I just don't feel the things that his songs talk about. Each day, I would like to be closer to God, but each day feels further away.

Being bound to Frances is killing me. My life is full of many more moments I regret than moments I don't. I have albums full of pictures I no longer want, and memories I want erased. If it was real, then why did she throw me away... if it was fake, what I fool I was for all those years.

Why do I have to go on, when others get to be released... Can't I just be freed from this life sentence?

regret and pain... this must be the life of someone behind bars for a life sentence with no possibility of parole..

not a good day today....
--me

I'm so tired of loss...

I just wanted to whine a bit... I am very tired of the loss and change. I know this is part of life, and the way that God designed things. I know that if I'm called by God then these things will be a good thing in the end but I'm tired of it...

sense of security at home... son.. dad.. life savings... freedom... mother... friends... sense of purpose... these are the things that I have lost....

I have gained friends and a loving new spouse in these times also... So In the net I am doing ok.

--me

Well... I'm going to stay for now...

I have not been here in some time. Last time was the day that I felt like bagging it all, and leaving. I tried, I really looked into it. But the thing I realized as I was looking into going was that I am where God wants me to be, and leaving would mean walking away from the mission God has given me right now.

At that point I realized that I was trying to control the processes of the dissolution of my marriage. I was trying to control what other people and the courts did. I thought God had abandoned that part of my life, and that I could do a better job by forcing others to take responsibility for themselves by abandoning them. When I came to the point of wanting to run away, God made it clear that He is in control of all that stuff too.

So I took control of the one thing that I actually have control of... my willingness to give over control to God. I thought about Adam and Eve... they had it good. God was in control. But when they let Satan convince them that they could take control, they tried... and we now live in the resulting world...

ok... I have my sister and niece here, and I'm being rude.. so bye bye...
()me

Maybe I'm supposed to go...

I reached the end of myself today. I've been here before, but it was different this time than in the past. In the last few years when I have gotten to this place I have thought very seriously about quitting the human race. Today I was writing out the list of things that need to be closed out, done, and cleaned up to be gone. I was thinking I would go as far as what was left when all was said and done would carry me, then starting over with nothing at that place. Live simple, take as little income as I could, maybe live in shelters... the point being I am tired of being in the rat race for the purpose of serving the system, other people, and the stuff that I have collected... I want to be rid of all the hangers on and stuff that takes me away from wanting to do everything for the God, that seems to want me here... When I got to the end of the list and realized how simple it will be, how it can be done so quickly... I began to think maybe there is someplace in the world that God can use me... that I can live the simple way I was thinking of, and make a difference in His kingdom at the same time. I have strength... I have built... I know something about technology... I like to serve... maybe I can go someplace in the world and be useful for more than the money I make... I know the courts won't agree, so I am not sure what will happen as I move forward with this, but I don't have enough of anything left to care what they take... We'll see what the next few weeks brings. We'll see if God wants me to serve Him in some other part of the world... I would hope that I would not feel like a slave in the place that God wants to use me... right now I feel like a slave and I am tired...

iTunes: Your not guilty anymore

-me

Rest... or the lack there of...

I was sitting here thinking about the fact that I don't dream anymore... I looked on line about this, and apparently I do dream I'm just not remembering them.  I don't know... If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one to hear it does it still make a noise... I say no.  The air still moves, but if there is nothing to process the movement of the air there is no noise... So my brain may or may not be doing something other than keeping me alive.  I may or may not be having R.E.M. episodes... But I don't have dreams right now.

The looking on line says: I'm not getting enough sleep, or I'm stressed, or I'm afraid of what I might be dreaming, or I'm just not designed to remember dreams.

I know it's not the last one.  I can still remember dreams from when I was a kid.  I can still remember that I used to have flying dreams all the time.  I can still remember that I used to have dreams that felt so real, I could have sworn that they were real life events.

Afraid to dream... That's an interesting one.  I was not having nightmares when I stopped dreaming.  I don't know what I might be afraid of, so I have to reach the conclusion that it's not about my fearing the dreams.

Stressed... well, I am stressed.  The thing that I can't seem to figure out, is how to let go of the stress.  I want to let it go.  I'm going to have to work harder on this one, or lack of dreams will not be my only problem...

Not enough sleep... I seem to wake at 5 or 6 each morning, no matter when I go to bed... that means many nights I am getting between 4 and 5 hours of sleep.  This is something I can do something about... I will start going to bed earlier.  Maybe it will help let go of the stress too..

This was all prompted by someone telling about a funny dream they had with me in it.  I miss dreaming...

bye empty space..

-me

A David moment...

I had a David moment yesterday.  King David that is... Yesterday I could not have put it into this perspective, but this morning I realized that I'm not the first to sit and wonder why.  Not the first to feel abandoned by God.  Not the first to feel that God has walked away and left me standing in a place that makes me rather I was dead than alive.  Not the first to question if I will ever trust people again, because it feels like they are out for themselves at my expense.  I am grateful this morning that God had things timed that I would have read a bunch of David's Psalms yesterday morning.  This morning I remembered all this.  David was someone God called His friend, yet he felt all these things too.  I don't think I'm in the same league with David or that God considers me that close to Him, but at least I know that He does care enough about what I am going through to have given me the preparation and teaching that He gave me yesterday.

  Now I have to go ask forgiveness from God for my reaction to yesterday, pick up the burden I'm to carry, and move on to the next steps.  I won't say I'm totally over what I was feeling yesterday, because I'm not, and if this were the last breath I took I would not be disappointed, but I feel that there is more to come that some day I will get past this, and I hope that some day is filled with joy rather than longing for the last breath...  At very least I have work that I have to be doing to care for others.

ok, busy day ahead today... best get at it...

bye empty space.

-me

Control vs Peace

I find that as I watch mom struggle with her condition that the enemy of peace is desire for control. [I wonder how much of what I see in her is the future that awaits me.] I know that in the days that I have felt the most at peace are the days where I accept that I can't control what is going on in the case against me. I can give up and rollover, but that is not having peace, that is not facing the problem. Or I can give up control, and really look to follow where God is leading even when it does not seem to make sense. And the days I am the lowest are the days that I spend thinking about what goes on in court, and what it means to me and my future.

I wonder as I watch mom struggle to control her thoughts, and struggle to control the situations around her, whether I would be able to release control if I were in her place.

As hard as my struggles have been over the last three years, they are nothing compared to the struggle of losing control of your mind.

I pray for her to find peace. And I pray for me to continue to learn to give up control...

--me