Well... I'm going to stay for now...

I have not been here in some time. Last time was the day that I felt like bagging it all, and leaving. I tried, I really looked into it. But the thing I realized as I was looking into going was that I am where God wants me to be, and leaving would mean walking away from the mission God has given me right now.

At that point I realized that I was trying to control the processes of the dissolution of my marriage. I was trying to control what other people and the courts did. I thought God had abandoned that part of my life, and that I could do a better job by forcing others to take responsibility for themselves by abandoning them. When I came to the point of wanting to run away, God made it clear that He is in control of all that stuff too.

So I took control of the one thing that I actually have control of... my willingness to give over control to God. I thought about Adam and Eve... they had it good. God was in control. But when they let Satan convince them that they could take control, they tried... and we now live in the resulting world...

ok... I have my sister and niece here, and I'm being rude.. so bye bye...
()me

Maybe I'm supposed to go...

I reached the end of myself today. I've been here before, but it was different this time than in the past. In the last few years when I have gotten to this place I have thought very seriously about quitting the human race. Today I was writing out the list of things that need to be closed out, done, and cleaned up to be gone. I was thinking I would go as far as what was left when all was said and done would carry me, then starting over with nothing at that place. Live simple, take as little income as I could, maybe live in shelters... the point being I am tired of being in the rat race for the purpose of serving the system, other people, and the stuff that I have collected... I want to be rid of all the hangers on and stuff that takes me away from wanting to do everything for the God, that seems to want me here... When I got to the end of the list and realized how simple it will be, how it can be done so quickly... I began to think maybe there is someplace in the world that God can use me... that I can live the simple way I was thinking of, and make a difference in His kingdom at the same time. I have strength... I have built... I know something about technology... I like to serve... maybe I can go someplace in the world and be useful for more than the money I make... I know the courts won't agree, so I am not sure what will happen as I move forward with this, but I don't have enough of anything left to care what they take... We'll see what the next few weeks brings. We'll see if God wants me to serve Him in some other part of the world... I would hope that I would not feel like a slave in the place that God wants to use me... right now I feel like a slave and I am tired...

iTunes: Your not guilty anymore

-me

Rest... or the lack there of...

I was sitting here thinking about the fact that I don't dream anymore... I looked on line about this, and apparently I do dream I'm just not remembering them.  I don't know... If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one to hear it does it still make a noise... I say no.  The air still moves, but if there is nothing to process the movement of the air there is no noise... So my brain may or may not be doing something other than keeping me alive.  I may or may not be having R.E.M. episodes... But I don't have dreams right now.

The looking on line says: I'm not getting enough sleep, or I'm stressed, or I'm afraid of what I might be dreaming, or I'm just not designed to remember dreams.

I know it's not the last one.  I can still remember dreams from when I was a kid.  I can still remember that I used to have flying dreams all the time.  I can still remember that I used to have dreams that felt so real, I could have sworn that they were real life events.

Afraid to dream... That's an interesting one.  I was not having nightmares when I stopped dreaming.  I don't know what I might be afraid of, so I have to reach the conclusion that it's not about my fearing the dreams.

Stressed... well, I am stressed.  The thing that I can't seem to figure out, is how to let go of the stress.  I want to let it go.  I'm going to have to work harder on this one, or lack of dreams will not be my only problem...

Not enough sleep... I seem to wake at 5 or 6 each morning, no matter when I go to bed... that means many nights I am getting between 4 and 5 hours of sleep.  This is something I can do something about... I will start going to bed earlier.  Maybe it will help let go of the stress too..

This was all prompted by someone telling about a funny dream they had with me in it.  I miss dreaming...

bye empty space..

-me

A David moment...

I had a David moment yesterday.  King David that is... Yesterday I could not have put it into this perspective, but this morning I realized that I'm not the first to sit and wonder why.  Not the first to feel abandoned by God.  Not the first to feel that God has walked away and left me standing in a place that makes me rather I was dead than alive.  Not the first to question if I will ever trust people again, because it feels like they are out for themselves at my expense.  I am grateful this morning that God had things timed that I would have read a bunch of David's Psalms yesterday morning.  This morning I remembered all this.  David was someone God called His friend, yet he felt all these things too.  I don't think I'm in the same league with David or that God considers me that close to Him, but at least I know that He does care enough about what I am going through to have given me the preparation and teaching that He gave me yesterday.

  Now I have to go ask forgiveness from God for my reaction to yesterday, pick up the burden I'm to carry, and move on to the next steps.  I won't say I'm totally over what I was feeling yesterday, because I'm not, and if this were the last breath I took I would not be disappointed, but I feel that there is more to come that some day I will get past this, and I hope that some day is filled with joy rather than longing for the last breath...  At very least I have work that I have to be doing to care for others.

ok, busy day ahead today... best get at it...

bye empty space.

-me

Control vs Peace

I find that as I watch mom struggle with her condition that the enemy of peace is desire for control. [I wonder how much of what I see in her is the future that awaits me.] I know that in the days that I have felt the most at peace are the days where I accept that I can't control what is going on in the case against me. I can give up and rollover, but that is not having peace, that is not facing the problem. Or I can give up control, and really look to follow where God is leading even when it does not seem to make sense. And the days I am the lowest are the days that I spend thinking about what goes on in court, and what it means to me and my future.

I wonder as I watch mom struggle to control her thoughts, and struggle to control the situations around her, whether I would be able to release control if I were in her place.

As hard as my struggles have been over the last three years, they are nothing compared to the struggle of losing control of your mind.

I pray for her to find peace. And I pray for me to continue to learn to give up control...

--me

rainbows...

God drew a rainbow this evening. There are many people that needed to see that rainbow tonight. Some of them I know, including me. I truly hope that it was a sign that things are going to get better, that the crummy days are coming to an end. I have been thinking about a family that lost someone this week. Before the rainbow I was listening to someone who was talking to the youth group about living for this day. Since I had talked to the empty space here about that, I was paying close attention. He talked about not living in the past, and not living in the future, but living out the day that God gifted us with today.

I had spent the hour previous to the youth group meeting praying. Talking to God about where I feel I am in life. I didn't have a revelation at that moment, but maybe the rainbow was the answer I was looking for...

I love it when God does things like the rainbow... The last one was a day that I felt very low, and it was clearly God's answer that time.

Good night empty space...
()me

Going it alone...

I am thinking about being alone today. What did God mean when He said "it is not good for the man to be alone."? I've always learned it that, the man was not alone, he had a relationship with God where they walked and talked together in the garden. God gave the man things to do, and the man was living a life of purpose. It would seem to say there was something imperfect or missing in the one on one relationship that God and the man had. Or maybe God was not around that much leaving the man to try to manage on his own. Then when I get to the being that God created to be the "help mate" for the man, why a woman? I get confused with this way that God seemed to have intended men and women to be together, when I compare to Paul, in 1Corinthians 7:8, talking about it being better not to be married. What do these two things mean when put together in a life?

Today it was discussed by a married man that the meaning of the not being alone is that we are to be in community with people that we can call on for help. I've tried that, it's not the same as living with a "help mate". You can't count on community for help, because they also have their own lives to lead with their spouses and families... Don't get me wrong, it's not that the people in the community I am in don't want to help, they just can't be counted on, at any time. Maybe the problem is finding the right kind of community that a single person with responsibilities can be in.

I don't know. I am not liking the "alone" part of my life these days. If alone with God was supposed to be enough, why did He change it?

bye empty space...
-me

Live for this day...

I was listening to some Chris Rice today, and I was struck by the realization that I have been "living for the day when.." I have not been looking at this day as the gift that it is. I have been looking to the day when the things with court are all settled... I kept thinking I was almost there, then it moved... Even last summer I thought it was close to the end, then it moved again. I had been looking for that until the day that dad died... Then a whole new set of "living for the day when..." started.

I have to stop living for a day in the future. I have to talk to God about living the way that He wants me to live in this day, right here, right now...

This is going to take some work. I have been living for the day when longer than I can remember. It is really the only way I know how to live...

Good night empty space...
--me

It seems to be falling all apart...

I am struggling these days. I try to do what it right, what is best, what is helpful, what is caring. But I don't understand. I ask for guidance and I pray. But I don't seem to be able to hear, or understand what I am supposed to be doing, and things just feel worse and worse. I am close to quitting, and I shut down a little more each day.

I have a friend that I am sure will ask:"Where's God in all of this?" because it would seem that I am taking things into my own hands once again. And I just don't know. The divorce related court trials rage on. Last week my son was dragged into the middle of it. The judge called it a tragedy for him. To me it was just awful. My mother's condition got an initial diagnosis last week, and the prognosis is uncertain at this time. But it's not good. My brother has decided that he and his wife cannot help. This is making my sister, who gave up all to be here to help, angry. This is impacting me and upsetting me on a number of levels. I want to do what's best for everyone, I agree that my older brother should be doing more, but I don't know how to communicate that effectively... he hung up on me yesterday...

my prayer life is a shambles, I don't know what to say anymore. I don't get an effective quiet time anymore because mom is up and out before I can even get the day to start. Work is not going so hot because my concentration stinks...

The only place I seem to be able to whine anymore is here... and I can't even communicate my thoughts clearly here right now... I think I need to do something different...

--- bye empty space...

Calvery arrives...

Hi Empty Space,
My sister got here yesterday. She will be staying here indefinitely. She will be helping me with things related to mom. She got a major dose of things as soon as she arrived. Mom talked her ear off for an hour strait about going back home. Mom has convinced herself that she would be going home when my sister arrived.

I am glad that my sister is here, but I am concerned about 2 things. First is that I might out of relief for her being here, dump too much off on her.... Second is that she will get burnt out so quick that she will regret being here...

Mom got sick again last night, but at this time, she is not willing to go willingly to the Dr... I think we are going to have to take her anyway. I'm going to try.

I'm very glad to have my sister here. It will be a huge help, just to have someone see what is going on with mom, and be supportive of the things that need to be done...

bye...
-me

When I don't know...

In all the times that I just don't know, I do know that I want to be following Jesus, that I want to be seeking God, that I want to be listening for His voice in the noise in my head, that I want to be on the look out for the little things that He does in my view to reassure me that He has not left me alone in these times that I just don't know. There are times that I just don't know why things are the way they are. I don't know if the day will ever feel light hand happy again. I don't know if I will ever see my son and laugh with him again. I don't know if I will feel like I'm doing anything worth wile again. These last few days I have been really struggling. Many times over the last few years it has been hard to understand why things are as they are. I have struggled with God hating me. I have struggled with God not liking me. Most recently I have been struggling with God just not caring one way or the other.

Maybe a more accurate way to state that is that for the last few days I hoped that God didn't care because then the feeling of His absence would be justified.... I remember David asking in Psalms... "How long"... He asks How long will he be persecuted, How long will God leave his soul in anguish, How long will God hide His face, How long must I wrestle with my thoughts... This last one has been me recently... I wrestle with many thoughts right now...

When the life I had been living fell completely to pieces in 05, I felt as though God was there, and in very real ways carried me through that time. But as that process has dragged on year after year now, I don't know... If I search in one way, I ask... what is the lesson that I am just not getting that keeps me stuck in this quagmire. If I search in another, I ask... What am I being prepared to do? And will I be able to face it? Or will I give up and not be willing to go where God might want to send me? I don't know why the divorce is going the long drawn out way that it is going... I may never know. Or I may already know, and just not like the answer...

Then last year... What do I say about last year... I thought finally the things from the past life would be settled, and I could start looking to what might be coming in the future... Then on my birthday, it all changed again. Not only did things in the divorce not get settled, I ended up with an additional load to deal with... The new old life was over and another life started... This time I had been forced into a position of leading my fathers family. When dad died, part of me went too.... I have really struggled with why did God take Dad and leave Mom here like this... I don't know... But I do know that God had put me in a place that I would be able to help mom, and I'm trying... though, I don't know what to do some days... I don't know what to say to ease her mind... I don't know what to do that would make her happy in her world... And I don't know how to make her happy in my world either...

I do know that I am not praying enough... I need to stop trying to do the right thing on my own power... I keep thinking if I do the right thing then God will be in it, and that's simply not the case. I need to do the hard thing... I need to listen for the voice that I often can't hear. I need to sit quiet, and let God make the way clear. When I have done this in the past few years, things have not gone any better from an over all look at the picture, but I have had peace and known without a doubt that things were as they should be... Right now I don't know that things are as they should be, because I may be in the way.... or not... but If I will seek God I will know one way or the other... and I won't be sitting here anymore going "I don't know..."

When I don't know, it is the alarm... I am not where I should be in my relationship with God. It's not a quick fix either... I have been wandering on and off the path for a few years.. I'd rather be on the path, though I just don't seem too good at staying there yet...

good night empty space... thanks for listening.
()me

Good Friday...

I'm always torn about the Easter season...

It's sad that Jesus had to go through the things that He had to suffer for our benefit. It's sad that people just can't seem to do the relationship thing very well. We aren't so good at relationships with each other, and worse at maintaining the relationship with God that we were created for. We are so bad at this that God had to give His only son to pay the cost of our sin, to suffer the separation from His Father, and bear on his shoulders all the ugly sins of my life...

It's great that God chose a plan to redeem me rather than leave me, or chose to uncreate the world (if you know what I mean...). So this season also brings me joy in that I know I'm LOVED by my God enough that He would do what ever it cost to give me the chance for this relationship with Him. He won't force it on me, but He will not abandon me either...

Happy Easter, the tomb is EMPTY!!! I'm redeemed.
-me

Thinking about prayer...

Hi empty space...
I have some time here while mom gets her hair done, so I thought I would write..

Last night my small group had a discussion on prayer. We watched Rob Bell's video Open. It was a good video on prayer.

Questions like : Why are we willing to talk to our friends in a honest way when we don't get "real" with God too often? If God is going to do what God is going to do, why pray?

There were other question too, but these were the ones that I really had to stop and think about. I know that God sometimes says no, or not now, to my prayers so questions about that were not real brain twisters for me...

But why do I have a hard time being totally "real" with God? This is one that I struggled with a long time. I am making good progress on this in recent weeks... like the last two. There are bits and pieces of my life that I have not been willing to be real with God about until now. I am giving up on that and being totally open with Him.... It is making a difference and feels very good.

If God knows all and is God why do I have to pray? I find it funny sometimes that I pray for people, and call God's attention to stuff, that I act like he knows nothing about.... Then when I stop and try to pray that about me, I start to think, God knows this already... In the discussion on the previous topic, someone made a good observation. That talking open and honestly with God is a way of working through things like talking to a counselor. And I observed the times in the Exodus that Moses talked to God about doing something or another, and at one point talked God out of destroying the nation. Today while I was driving around this thing came to mind again, and I wondered if maybe God said the things He said to get Moses to say the things and take ownership like he did... hmmm.... I need to go read all that again and think more about it... But the point is that talking to God about things is a way of gaining an understanding of those things for me, as well as seeking God's assistance in those situations.

I'm feeling pretty good with my life these days... not that things have improved much, but last week when I came to the acceptance that this is where I am to be, and what I'm to be doing at this time, it helped A LOT... It was amazing that as I got to that point, relief started to appear. My sister is going to move here for an unspecified amount of time to help me with caring for mom. And in the other major matter of my life, things also have not changed but I do know that I will be ok with God, even if I am struggling with, and in, the situation...

long pause goes here... mom's hair was done and I didn't get back to this until the next morning...

Last night I started to wonder about something else related to prayer... something I see in the Exodus as well... If I am feeling distressed it is so easy to talk to God about it, even in the times that I am not honest about what is going on, its easy to complain to Him... But when I am feeling ok, will it be as easy to be focused on God, and be looking for reminders of Him, keep seeking Him?!?!? I hope to learn from Israel on this one. It's just as important to stay connected to God in the good times, though much easier to be distracted. But the bible is loaded with examples of failure being brought on, by getting too comfortable in the good times, getting lazy about time with God, feeling like I can handle things now... David, Solomon, Uzziah (sp?), the nation of Israel... This is something I'm going to be talking to God about starting now, I want my life to be His in both times that are good as well as the times that are hard.

Ok... I want to close this for now, and go do my time with God...

Be well empty space...
--me

I spent lots of time thinking today...

I was working away writing code and listening to Rob Bell's sermon from 3/9/08 at Mars Hill... He was talking about something Paul wrote in Philippians. He was struggling with the idea that it would be nice to go (die), but that if he was going to stay, that would be ok too. Rob talked about how disjointed that sentence was in the original Greek, and how it was likely that Paul was really struggling with the circumstances of his life then, but that he knew that he believed that God was out there somewhere, and that Jesus had come to redeem things and save us... [Can you imagine how Paul would have felt without the knowledge of God and His Love... I can... ] Rob went on to give some other examples of how the convictions of a person can keep them grounded in a time where they are really struggling with the circumstances of life and what they are going through... He gave the one that has sustained me in the deepest dark nights... Jesus in the garden the night He was arrested... I have read that so many times these last few years, and known that I was not to the point of sweating drops of blood, but that I understand how that could physically happen... I am well back from that point right now, but I have been where Paul was.

The load right now is heavy... over 3 years since the life I had ended, and I'm still going through court trials... My mom is living with me because dad died last year, and she cannot remember things anymore... To go home would be great, but my circumstances are not like Paul's and that does not seem near. To stay will be joy (at times) and hard, but I'm not here alone... I have friends. I have family. I have my convictions that I know God is there and Jesus has saved me, and these convictions of my soul keep turning me back to look for God on the dark nights when I can't see anything else... I have purpose here, at this time.

I stopped praying for relief a while ago... because I just could not stand the silence... but others have prayed, and God has responded... My sister is going to leave her home and job for a time and come to live with me here to help. I look forward to the help.

I came to a realization about my life this morning in my Qt.. I pray a lot for God to guide me into His will. That I want to be doing what He wants me to be doing. And then I figure because it's not all sunshine and flowers... Joy and happiness... that I must not be in His will... when I think the honest truth is that I am right where He wants me to be at this time.... So rather than beat myself up over what I am not doing, I need to be looking for the joy in what I am doing, because it's there if I just accept it...

Bye empty space...
-me

puzzle progress... or the lack there of...

I don't have a new picture of the puzzle tonight... but it has not moved much...

I found a wad of what looks like a puzzle piece... I have a picture that I'll post tomorrow... I don't feel like going to get the camera right now.... So I think Rico has been chewing some pieces... Which will make it a challenge to finish... :-)

Things with mom are hard. She does not mean to be hard to care for. In fact she does not understand why she can't live alone and care for herself. Some days she cannot even remember where she is... I need to journal the process of caring for her...

I have made lots of progress with Rico this month. We now walk mostly without the leash at all. He will for the most part heel right next to me when I walk. He likes the freedom to run at full speed when we are out. We are getting along great. There are still times that he is skittish, but we are getting closer.

---me

One of those weeks...

What am I Listening too...
Rascal Flatts... Me and My Gang

Hi Empty Space...
It was one of those weeks that I would rather have not had. But as bad as the week was for me, it was much worse for a friend of mine and what happened to her just made me so sad. I was left completely speechless when it came to writing a message to her on Thursday. I can only pray that God will be able to make something good of the devastation that hit.

For me, it was a trying week with mom. But she is eating well, sleeping pretty well, and not stressed that much, and all of that makes me happy. She is making friends here, though she still wants to get home and is beginning to push on when I am going to take her home. I fear telling her that she is not going home to stay any more. That she might walk out when I am not here some time, and I will have a hard time finding her. I pray that the time will present it's self and the words will come to help her see that we are only trying to do what is better for her. I honestly don't know what's best for her, I just know that the situation is much better now than it was 3 weeks ago.

On the legal front, the big court date turned out to be not so big. But the judge did side with me on the point being discussed this week, that I am not trying to harass her by getting another look at her computer, simply trying to get to the bottom of the question of evidence tampering... The lawyers say.. "by June 2nd it will be over one way or the other..." I said I'll believe it when we get there.. I have heard this too many times since 2005...

Rico and I have had some ups and downs this week, like him pullin out of his collar, but we are doing ok. And having him here forces me to walk at least a few miles each day and that is helping me keep my sanity, even if it is not helping me lose weight...

Today I got to go and do for the community... it felt great! And for the first time since Dad died I felt like working on a puzzle. This is significant in two ways. I am starting to feel a bit more myself... and I am beginning to feel at home here... I'm going to try posting a picture a day of the puzzle.. even if it does not change for many days... And this is a test to see if Rico can be trusted around lots of little pieces of chewable cardboard...

--me

Coming back around...

Hi Empty Space,
I heard something in a MarsHill message last week... it was an old message from back in April of last year. In it the speaker was talking about spiritual warfare as a very real thing. He was using terms like bombs and fights that painted a war zone picture. But that these things happen on a plain that we just can't see. I don't know, but I do know that there are times that I seem to be getting my feet under me, feeling ok, and then I get them cut out from under me. At times like those it feels like warfare. What I have to do each time is lean closer to God and let Him be in control. It's not always easy to do, but when I am able I feel better much faster.

In my chronological bible for this year the book of Job is early in the book. I have been reading it this week. What I was thinking about today as I read was how Job's friends keep telling him that God "gets" the wicked people of the world, and so what is happening to Job must be the result of wickedness in him. Finally Job points out the error in this statement toward the end of chapter 21. I feel like Job does about people getting smashed by God, that does not often happen to people that care little about God. The thing that I was thinking most about as I read today was how Job's friends could have been comforting him, helping to heal him, taking care of him. Instead, they were tell him all the things that he must have done wrong to get where he is.

I am comforted by fact that I have friends that do comfort and care.

ok... mom is up and stirring about.. so begins another day...
-me

All I want to know is why...

Why is it that every time I start to feel a little better, I get hammered again...

In reality nothing changed... only my perception...

Hi empty Space,
Today I had interactions with friends that have been there for me for over 3 years now.. and you know what... are still there. they still care and I am grateful for them!

When I get in to a dark lonely place, I tend to think I am alone. The truth is that God is there with me, and my friends are just outside the dark place waiting for me.

Today I heard a talk on the miracle of the resurrection of Lazerus. What it and the worship music from the morning did was to reiterate what God had been talking to me about all week in His word. He knows where I am and what I am feeling. I have been honest in saying all week how lost I feel, and He has been saying that He isn't going anyplace, and that He will guide me if I will only let Him. None of this makes the things I have to go through easier, but with help I won't be alone.

For me it means letting go of future thoughts, wants, and worries. I will start to plan again someday, but right now I need to be content in going through the day in which I find myself. I need to turn things over to the God that knows what's better for me than I do. I will be working on it.

ok... I'm going to go do some reading.

G'nite empty space,
-me

What changed.. me or them...

Hi empty space..
I have been feeling very alone and isolated lately. When I first entered this part of my life I was pretty well surrounded by friends, but lately they have mostly moved on... Mostly they have become busy with the things that are important to them. And I'm just not a life of the party type, so I am not in the circle they run in. When I have reached out to some of them, I have found them with no margin left to spend time with me. Then with the house I have no funds to go out, and this place does not look together enough to really be entertaining.

Or is the cause of my being alone that I am not trying, or willing, to seek out people to be with.

After the last two days of interaction with the lawyer about the case that has been going now for 35 months... I am having a very hard time with forgiveness today. It's not that I don't want to, I am just very bruised right now.

I know I make mistakes all the time, and it's one of the reasons that I am alone now. I know I do things that are not what God wants of me, and I think this leads to be having to be alone more.

I'm tired... I think I am going to try sleeping down here tonight, that airmattress is very old already...

-me

Peaceful house... for the moment...

Hi Empty Space...
Today has been quite a day... It started with me forcing Rico to go walking with me.. his fear seems to be irrational even to him... so it has helped some. He is getting better about letting me walk with him, now that he has a harness that he cannot back out of... and I have been able to get close to him, though right now it involves cornering him... so tonight after a bit of a tussle I put him in the cage I have for him (it's big and he has room to move and lay comfortably) and have been able to get the leash on him on my own... a first since he got here, and I took him for two nice walks today... I'm hoping a few more days and we'll be friends... I had to step up my dominance because he got out and ran off yesterday.. Fortunately I was able to call someone that he trusts to come get him back, and he was found in about 30min. But if we can't get to a point where he is comfortable around me, this is going to be a long year for both of us... I'll keep working...

Then there's mom... Today was one of my 2 days per week to spend 4hrs in the office, so mom was home alone... When I got back, I found she went into my library and ate an entire bag of dove chocolates (minus the 6 or so that I had already eaten)... So she was WIRED... I just got her to go lay in bed... It will be interesting to see what her sugar reading is tomorrow... But for me, more than anything, this was a wake up call... I am going to need someone to spend time with her while I work... but... there is a problem... I am having issues with the case against me that make it difficult for me to hire someone to help her... ugh...

But for this moment, Mom is in bed and Rico is resting in his cage... so the house is peaceful... for now...

I am feeling overwhelmed with all of this. I don't know what the next step is... but one foot before the other I will step on... I have not been able to pray much, and that bothers me, it's not that I don't want to talk to God, I just don't know what to say anymore... every time I open my mouth, my life seems to get a little more complicated... and I feel a little more alone... the courts don't care, the lawyers don't care, my ex doesn't care, friends care (but can only do so much), God must care (but I'm struggling with how...) I am confused, and scared, and as I sit here on the couch in a house with a dog that does not like me and a mom that barely knows me, I feel alone... I know that I am where God wants me to be, and that I will get through this...somehow. Someone said to me today, that I am going to come out of this with a wisdom that will help others. That may be true. I don't know. But if it is then maybe all this will be of value to others in the coming years.

Funny... as the baby boomer's age, I don't think that there has been enough thought given to what will happen to those who must care for their parents...

ok... I'm going to go walk Rico again. On our evening walk tonight, he did not (ummm) use the facilities...

-me

If this is my purpose...

If this is my purpose here.. why aren't I enjoying it more....

-me

I need to talk...

Hi Empty Space,
I wanted someone to talk to, and there is no one here but a dog that is scared of me... so I thought I would sit here and write for a while... well... maybe later... I am feeling lonely tonight, but I need to pay the overdue bills I have been ignoring...

talk to you later...
-me

The start of a new year...

Hi Empty Space...
I started the new year alone at home. actually I was having issues with the new washing machine I bought yesterday... I got the washer because I needed to have one before mom moves in on the 12th...

I am going to be pet sitting for a year, along with mom moving in, so this place will seem more like a home that it has since I got here.

My goals for 2008:
1) Read the NLT from end to end... I need to go get the copy tomorrow to get started...

2) Get mom comfortable and happy here in Raleigh. This will be difficult... please pray for this one...

3) Take dance lessons... This one will take a little time to get to because of mom coming here. But by March, you should be reading about me starting dance class.

4) Make progress on learning the piano... I keep getting stuck at the point of starting two handed lessons, but I am determined to make more progress this year...

5) Lose at least 20 pounds... really would like to lose more like 30, but will be happy with 20.

6) I am going to set as a prayer rather than a goal to meet a special woman, and start a new relationship chapter in my life.

7) Take a real vacation alone.

I have two wishes for 2008... To get my son back into my life. To be done with the case that was started against me in 2005...

ok... Happy New Year empty space...
Take care and sleep well,
-me